Friday, August 26, 2005

Look at them girls in the Daisy Dukes!

Yes, that's right. Last night I went to the "Scum-set" for the first (and hopefully last) Daisy Duke contest. Wow, where do I begin? I have to tell you, when I drove by last week and saw the marquis, I sure was excited. What was I thinking!? Did I actually believe I would see any ass remotely resembling that of Jessica Simpson's? No, but I at least was hoping for one or two ass-clapping apple bottoms. There was no ass-clapping. Ass-FLAPPING? Yes, and there is a difference.

So I pay my $3 cover, entering into a world of bad Toby Keith songs where the air is heavy with the stench of cheesy aftershave. I think it's called Eau de Pathetic. I immediately head to the bar and order a draft beer - in a PLASTIC pint glass, er cup. Now, this contest was advertised to be starting at 9:00 pm, with all of the contestants arriving by 7:30. Well, it wasn't until a couple of beers later at 10:30 when the real action started. In the meantime the "Daisies" kept busy by freaking each other on the dance floor. At times there were 5 or 6 of them, at other times, one lone Daisy commanded the floor. Picture, if you will, rail-thin-crank-beauty-queens living out their dream, pretending to be strippers, all the while flaps of meat curtains and ass hanging out the bottom of their cut-off shorts. Man, it was ugly - and yet oh so hilarious! To top it off there were owners of a few of Ukiah's more prominent businesses drooling over themselves, sitting back in their chairs like kingpin living out their dreams of spending endless hours at stripjoints. I mean why weren't they home with their wives!? (Oh wait, where was my husband? Yeah right.)

I am being too cynical, because really, I had a GREAT time. I laughed my ass off, enjoyed witnessing others make fools of themselves - plus I won a free shot for going up on stage and answering a trivia question. YEEE-HAAAW!! So thank you, Kimberly, for driving and for being such good sport. And thank you, Christopher, for sharing in the debauchery.

A friggin' Daisy Duke contest and NOT ONE decent ass. This is the paradox that defines Ukiah's nightlife.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Help. This cubicle is sucking my brain dry. I am sitting here, staring out over the westside hills, listening to - are ya ready for this shit!? - Ray Parker Jr's Ghostbusters on the radio, looking for any blunt object with which to stab myself. Visions of ice cold beer, cool water, warm sand and hot skin dancing in my head. I tell ya, a constant 72 degrees is no way to spend your summer days. You combine that with the fact that I have to talk to an unlimited number of morons each day and it's a lethal combo.

"Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge. I'm tryin' not to lose my head. he-he he he..."