Friday, August 26, 2005

Look at them girls in the Daisy Dukes!

Yes, that's right. Last night I went to the "Scum-set" for the first (and hopefully last) Daisy Duke contest. Wow, where do I begin? I have to tell you, when I drove by last week and saw the marquis, I sure was excited. What was I thinking!? Did I actually believe I would see any ass remotely resembling that of Jessica Simpson's? No, but I at least was hoping for one or two ass-clapping apple bottoms. There was no ass-clapping. Ass-FLAPPING? Yes, and there is a difference.

So I pay my $3 cover, entering into a world of bad Toby Keith songs where the air is heavy with the stench of cheesy aftershave. I think it's called Eau de Pathetic. I immediately head to the bar and order a draft beer - in a PLASTIC pint glass, er cup. Now, this contest was advertised to be starting at 9:00 pm, with all of the contestants arriving by 7:30. Well, it wasn't until a couple of beers later at 10:30 when the real action started. In the meantime the "Daisies" kept busy by freaking each other on the dance floor. At times there were 5 or 6 of them, at other times, one lone Daisy commanded the floor. Picture, if you will, rail-thin-crank-beauty-queens living out their dream, pretending to be strippers, all the while flaps of meat curtains and ass hanging out the bottom of their cut-off shorts. Man, it was ugly - and yet oh so hilarious! To top it off there were owners of a few of Ukiah's more prominent businesses drooling over themselves, sitting back in their chairs like kingpin living out their dreams of spending endless hours at stripjoints. I mean why weren't they home with their wives!? (Oh wait, where was my husband? Yeah right.)

I am being too cynical, because really, I had a GREAT time. I laughed my ass off, enjoyed witnessing others make fools of themselves - plus I won a free shot for going up on stage and answering a trivia question. YEEE-HAAAW!! So thank you, Kimberly, for driving and for being such good sport. And thank you, Christopher, for sharing in the debauchery.

A friggin' Daisy Duke contest and NOT ONE decent ass. This is the paradox that defines Ukiah's nightlife.

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