Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Hi. My name is dre, and I'm addicted to the evil known as Starbucks.

In Denis Leary's new book Why We Suck... he states that Starbucks may be responsible for the "pussification" of America. I believe I am living proof.

I resisted the Starbucks craze for a very long time, only to become obsessed in recent months. Let me say that I LOVE COFFEE. I love the way it smells, the way it tastes with cream and a little sugar, the way it makes me feel. I even love to drink hot coffee in the summertime. I love to order a good cup of coffee with dessert at schmancy restaurants. (Well, I used to. When I went out to schmancy restaurants that is.) When I first started going to Starbucks I didn't know what the hell to order. I don't like overly sweet drinks, so all that Mocha-Frappa-Macha-cino shit was out. For a long time, I just ordered coffee. The barista would look at me like, "Really? All this shit up on the board behind me and you just want a cup of coffee? OK whatever, loser." And I was fine with that.

That started to get old, and I began to wonder what the hype was all about. Surely not just plain ol' coffee. I just know there's a whole world of yummy coffee drinks waiting for me... so I started ordering non-fat Vanilla lattes. Those lasted awhile, but I soon grew bored. Sure they were easy to order and made me feel less intimidated about the huge menu of unknown possibilities - which also made me less self-conscience about being a total Starbucks newbie - but it didn't feel like I had quite found my drink.

Then my friend Dawn said, "You GOTTA try the Cinnamon Dolce lattes!" I was all too eager. I should have known it was the beginning of me falling down the slippery slope to a full-blown Starbucks addiction, but I ignored the warning signs and began ordering them. They were too sweet for me though. One day I got brave and asked the barista, "Is there a way to make it not so sweet?" To which she replied, "Oh sure!! So that's a tall! Cinnamon Dolce latte! with non-fat milk! - only 2 pumps!!" (Note the excessive exclamation points. No really, that's how they talk. I am convinced that every Starbucks barista loves his/her job and that there is nothing he/she would rather be doing than helping me.) Needless to say this whole custom-order thing was very thrilling, and soon I was drunk with power.

After the excitement of the Cinnamon Dolce lattes wore off, and I grew tired of constantly turning down the sprinkles! and the whipped cream!! that went along with ordering them, I decided - at last - it was time to find my drink. Fast forward to today. (Mostly because I need to wrap up this ridiculous and embarrassingly lengthy post about Starbucks for fuck's sake!) Ya wanna know what I order now??

A tall, double Vanilla breve latte. One pump. Extra hot.

How did it come to this? When will it end? I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to break the addiction honestly. I am so ashamed.


Blogger Cynthia said...

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1:36 PM  

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